Lately I've been dealing with a lot of anxiety/OCD issues. It's hard for me to call it OCD b/c I don't allow myself to act out, but simply resisting urges causes a lot of stress for me. Sometimes I feel like I can't focus or retain basic things said to me for long periods, or after a long day at work I simply want to zone out, collect my thoughts, rethink my day.. my mistakes, what someone said, how it made me feel, what I wish I said, over and over. I tend to latch on to one thing and it becomes the thought or feeling of the day even if I keep it inside.
I try my hardest to fight what makes me feel slightly nuts, yet there are times it is so hard to not give in, yet there is no giving in. I at one point fully believed in my OCD urges, yet as I've gotten older I've realized I should resist doing them. It's been some time now since I consistently acted out urges like flipping switches, counting steps, rewriting things over and over until I feel like it's ok to stop, etc. They were so bad that most of my day was ruled by acting out whatever my mind told me was of utmost importance. I was so scared to talk about it at all for fear of going ot the nut house, yet thankfully I quit lying and admitted to my family who saw how strange I was acting that I needed help. Some Drs helped, others made me never want to seek help again.. I still tend to lean towards the latter. I still feel the urges though the command of what is vague. It feels like anxiety but not exactly.
I needed to get this out.. at least that I've been struggling. I know no one reads my blog anymore, but I wanted to record this in this moment. I've allowed OCD to do a lot to me in regards to thoughts on my self worth. I think my poor outlook on my value is what really hurts me anymore. It's hard to let go of that past. It's hard to hold onto a positive outlook on myself when I think of the crazy things I've done or believed simply because my mind told me so. How can I trust myself again? How can I believe my intuition again? That gut feeling is what I felt every time I acted out. What do we have if we don't know if that still small voice is truth or crazy mental mind?
I try to be a light to others. I try to always have a smile on my face, be the positive for someone else, inspire hope, the happy ending, that things will always work out... I believe and see the potential in so many people yet when I look at myself I simply see how flawed I am and all of the many mistakes I've made. Some people trip and make a graceful comeback. Some people are so full of confidence you want to give them a good smack in the face and tell them to snap out of it. I hope to exude from the inside that effortless grace, that belief that I am capable. Today it may not be very strong, yet I've overcome so much already. It's just this journey now which has me feeling weak.
Much love,
Mark
Saturday, September 6, 2014
Tuesday, August 5, 2014
8\5
It's been some time since the last time I wrote in here. So much in my life has changed. It would be hard for me to explain it all in one sitting. Friends have moved far away, some have kids, full time jobs, lives that take over all the spare time we had to enjoy. I'm in my 30's now, WOW! I have a job I've been at almost 2 years which is totally different from what I use to do. I miss my clients, but I don't miss some of the dynamics. Thinking back on the whole marriage topic....
On August 24th 2013, I married my best friend Kyle. It's been an amazing year yet I have to say that not much seems to have changed relationship wise. I guess when you've been with someone for over 6 years, it's hard to think a ring changes everything. We've been working on this thing for a while now It's not like we're eighteen and just starting our adult lives. Yet there's a sense of completion, like it's for real finally. I guess that's a relationship change.
Another would be how open I am about my relationship with Kyle now. I don't think I've really talked about it on here before. There's been times when I've thought about saying something, yet I really don't like making a big deal about it. I don't make my sexual preference the main focus on my life and it doesn't help I spent so long closeted. Since opening up more about all this, I lost a few close people, but I'm thankful for everyone else who has stayed by me even if they don't agree with how I live my life. We find so many other places to find common ground and I love them so very much.
I find it funny that I'm more open about this aspect off myself yet generally I find nmyself to be a more private person... possibly leading up to several years of not keeping up with a blog... or perhaps the fact personal blogs have gone through their more popular time and aren't the huge craze.
I know when it all happened, or at least a big contributing factor is when I lost my mom. I hate to say it but truth is truth. I went through a hard period before I found my footing again, but there is some thing, or rather some one stolen from me and I'll never fully recover.
On August 24th 2013, I married my best friend Kyle. It's been an amazing year yet I have to say that not much seems to have changed relationship wise. I guess when you've been with someone for over 6 years, it's hard to think a ring changes everything. We've been working on this thing for a while now It's not like we're eighteen and just starting our adult lives. Yet there's a sense of completion, like it's for real finally. I guess that's a relationship change.
Another would be how open I am about my relationship with Kyle now. I don't think I've really talked about it on here before. There's been times when I've thought about saying something, yet I really don't like making a big deal about it. I don't make my sexual preference the main focus on my life and it doesn't help I spent so long closeted. Since opening up more about all this, I lost a few close people, but I'm thankful for everyone else who has stayed by me even if they don't agree with how I live my life. We find so many other places to find common ground and I love them so very much.
I find it funny that I'm more open about this aspect off myself yet generally I find nmyself to be a more private person... possibly leading up to several years of not keeping up with a blog... or perhaps the fact personal blogs have gone through their more popular time and aren't the huge craze.
I know when it all happened, or at least a big contributing factor is when I lost my mom. I hate to say it but truth is truth. I went through a hard period before I found my footing again, but there is some thing, or rather some one stolen from me and I'll never fully recover.
Friday, May 16, 2014
5\16
Seasons come, go, and roll around again. The tides rise, subside, and meet back to their designated places. Just as any flower, we bud, grow, bloom to our peak and slowly decline and wither. I say this simply to say it's amazing how time pushes us all onward to never meet the same day twice. This is the time, place, and the moment we have. Another is not promised, for better or for worse, this is what we are given.
Back in April I celebrated my 31st birthday. I'm still unsure what to feel about my early 30's yet, but a voice in my head is telling me I'm not as young as I use to be. This slightly scary notion has been a constant companion of mine since it first occurred to me not long before my personal celebration of birth. When thinking about what I've accomplished in life or what I have yet to do, I know there's something in me that wants more. There are so many things I'm grateful for: my wonderful spouse, a good job, great family and friends, etc. Yet there is a feeling.. a longing to leave a deeper impact. Lets call it a living memorial: a famous painting.. or two, or a hundred, a great novel for the ages, founder of an invention that positively changes the course of everything for years to come,or find a cure to take the fear out of some deathly disease! Maybe though, I'd settle for just one person who would tell who I was and not simply leave me to be buried too deep by the sands of time.
Longing to be remembered after one's passing is something aligned with our finitely mortal selves yet it can not be guaranteed to last or even occur. I think of a sonnet by Percy Bysshe Shelley entitled Ozymandias,
"I met a traveller from an antique land
Who said: "Two vast and trunkless legs of stone
Stand in the desert. Near them, on the sand,
Half sunk, a shattered visage lies, whose frown,
And wrinkled lip, and sneer of cold command,
Tell that its sculptor well those passions read
Which yet survive, stamped on these lifeless things,
The hand that mocked them and the heart that fed:
And on the pedestal these words appear:
'My name is Ozymandias, king of kings:
Look on my works, ye Mighty, and despair!'
Nothing beside remains. Round the decay
Of that colossal wreck, boundless and bare
The lone and level sands stretch far away."
Whenever I read this interestingly human piece, I am reminded how silly and futile such goals of remembrance are. I begin to think of goals more in my direct control. When pondering more attainable feats, a list rolls. It rolls through my head and in my imagination I can see them all like a full horizon all around me full of rolling hills and a few daunting mountains.
I see some easy to obtain hills ahead.. even trekked over a few recently, yet then there are those mountains. They seems to hard to attain, can be unforgiving, unrelenting, even wrathful if I take a wrong footing. My mountains are the hardest, heinous, challenges. I'm reminded of the evil mountain in Mordor only some of mine are more dark, scary, 10 times fuller of more monsters and ghouls ready to track me, find me, pull me down, and ensure I never reach the top. One of the most sinister peaks I call self-deprecation.
A friend recently told me that self-deprecation is much less attractive than being egotistical. I was slightly struck back by this interestingly true statement because I am my own worst victim and abuser. After a moment of pondering what she said I smiled at her and told her I'd try to watch what I say. Yet it's almost been a week and her comment has clung to me. I don't know the beginnings of my self loathing yet I do remember having these strong feelings of worthlessness as a child. In my earliest self-deprecating memories I think of times when I'd get scolded from my mom. I'd not blame her, my sister, think that the fault lied somewhere else. I would become angry with my own flaws. I was the problem. I was the reject. I'd run in my room, cry into my pillow, telling myself how stupid I was. Full of anger, poisonous thoughts seeping, tainting my inward image. So when kids at school would reject me, my step-father would tell me how dumb I was, people I cared about walked away, it wasn't their fault either. They were so right. The mess up in the equation was me.
Having such a long history of self-anger, self-doubt, self-pity (?) even, it's so hard for me today to see past the dark fog to form even a less distorted image from what others around me think of me. Truthfully, I believe myself. I believe and even magnify my short-comings and even now I've turned this into more of a self loathing blurb. My outlook affects every aspect of me. It hinders me in my art, my performance at work, my love life w/my spouse, friendships past, present, budding, or future. I am truly poisoned.
So the question I ask is, How do I purposfully overcome this
Back in April I celebrated my 31st birthday. I'm still unsure what to feel about my early 30's yet, but a voice in my head is telling me I'm not as young as I use to be. This slightly scary notion has been a constant companion of mine since it first occurred to me not long before my personal celebration of birth. When thinking about what I've accomplished in life or what I have yet to do, I know there's something in me that wants more. There are so many things I'm grateful for: my wonderful spouse, a good job, great family and friends, etc. Yet there is a feeling.. a longing to leave a deeper impact. Lets call it a living memorial: a famous painting.. or two, or a hundred, a great novel for the ages, founder of an invention that positively changes the course of everything for years to come,or find a cure to take the fear out of some deathly disease! Maybe though, I'd settle for just one person who would tell who I was and not simply leave me to be buried too deep by the sands of time.
Longing to be remembered after one's passing is something aligned with our finitely mortal selves yet it can not be guaranteed to last or even occur. I think of a sonnet by Percy Bysshe Shelley entitled Ozymandias,
"I met a traveller from an antique land
Who said: "Two vast and trunkless legs of stone
Stand in the desert. Near them, on the sand,
Half sunk, a shattered visage lies, whose frown,
And wrinkled lip, and sneer of cold command,
Tell that its sculptor well those passions read
Which yet survive, stamped on these lifeless things,
The hand that mocked them and the heart that fed:
And on the pedestal these words appear:
'My name is Ozymandias, king of kings:
Look on my works, ye Mighty, and despair!'
Nothing beside remains. Round the decay
Of that colossal wreck, boundless and bare
The lone and level sands stretch far away."
Whenever I read this interestingly human piece, I am reminded how silly and futile such goals of remembrance are. I begin to think of goals more in my direct control. When pondering more attainable feats, a list rolls. It rolls through my head and in my imagination I can see them all like a full horizon all around me full of rolling hills and a few daunting mountains.
I see some easy to obtain hills ahead.. even trekked over a few recently, yet then there are those mountains. They seems to hard to attain, can be unforgiving, unrelenting, even wrathful if I take a wrong footing. My mountains are the hardest, heinous, challenges. I'm reminded of the evil mountain in Mordor only some of mine are more dark, scary, 10 times fuller of more monsters and ghouls ready to track me, find me, pull me down, and ensure I never reach the top. One of the most sinister peaks I call self-deprecation.
A friend recently told me that self-deprecation is much less attractive than being egotistical. I was slightly struck back by this interestingly true statement because I am my own worst victim and abuser. After a moment of pondering what she said I smiled at her and told her I'd try to watch what I say. Yet it's almost been a week and her comment has clung to me. I don't know the beginnings of my self loathing yet I do remember having these strong feelings of worthlessness as a child. In my earliest self-deprecating memories I think of times when I'd get scolded from my mom. I'd not blame her, my sister, think that the fault lied somewhere else. I would become angry with my own flaws. I was the problem. I was the reject. I'd run in my room, cry into my pillow, telling myself how stupid I was. Full of anger, poisonous thoughts seeping, tainting my inward image. So when kids at school would reject me, my step-father would tell me how dumb I was, people I cared about walked away, it wasn't their fault either. They were so right. The mess up in the equation was me.
Having such a long history of self-anger, self-doubt, self-pity (?) even, it's so hard for me today to see past the dark fog to form even a less distorted image from what others around me think of me. Truthfully, I believe myself. I believe and even magnify my short-comings and even now I've turned this into more of a self loathing blurb. My outlook affects every aspect of me. It hinders me in my art, my performance at work, my love life w/my spouse, friendships past, present, budding, or future. I am truly poisoned.
So the question I ask is, How do I purposfully overcome this
Saturday, February 9, 2013
Drawing Challenge Day 1: Draw Myself
Recently on Pintrest, I came upon an interesting 30 day art challenge that I've decided to get into. The 1st challenge is to draw a picture of yourself. After several attempts with different mediums, I decided on a simple pencil drawing that I complemented it with a bit of color as I experimented with my prisma colored pencils. With set daily goals of something different to draw, I plan to help this kick start me into being even more active than I've pushed myself to being currently. I'm up for the challenge! :D
Tuesday, January 15, 2013
The New Year '13
Happy belated New Year everyone! So many months have gone by without me placing an entry. Since my last post, my life has made a few turns. They've all been positives though! The biggest one is a change in my career. What a transition it has been! I've not completely made the change mentally, but it is slowly coming to me and I'm looking forward to whatever the future holds. Life is full of constant change, some occur more startling than others, but it's true. Even though I know life is change, I was amazed at how much I my life by how much as I read through my own blog. I saw entries about my once barren apartment, the ever evolving garden on the deck, getting Max and Fanta, and seeing them grow up, posts on vacations taken, the tragic loss of my mother, and posts of finished and unfinished art. Upon the last entry, I realized the purpose of this blog and how it has become a victim of one of my greatest flaws, my self criticism.
Sadly, I've let it be hard to confront. I've allowed this self created demon to get in my way, hinder me for so long. I've often times not completed projects, leaving them to collect dust in a drawer or closet. In this new year we're in, I've challenged myself to take on these feelings and overcome them. I'm tired of letting them keep me from my passions and I plan to use that same determination I had losing weight onto my new focus. To kick off this new challenge... After 6 months of in-completion, I finally made the piece I posted in my last post a completed work and gave it to my friend 2 days ago who made a small scene at the coffee shop upon receiving it. She even cried tears of joy! I'm happy she enjoys it. :) I look forward to this new year and what I intend to create out of it!
Sadly, I've let it be hard to confront. I've allowed this self created demon to get in my way, hinder me for so long. I've often times not completed projects, leaving them to collect dust in a drawer or closet. In this new year we're in, I've challenged myself to take on these feelings and overcome them. I'm tired of letting them keep me from my passions and I plan to use that same determination I had losing weight onto my new focus. To kick off this new challenge... After 6 months of in-completion, I finally made the piece I posted in my last post a completed work and gave it to my friend 2 days ago who made a small scene at the coffee shop upon receiving it. She even cried tears of joy! I'm happy she enjoys it. :) I look forward to this new year and what I intend to create out of it!
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| Something to remember!!! |
Friday, July 27, 2012
A Few Paintings I've Done In July
This past week I've worked on two projects. One is a recreation of a painting entitled, "Krahe" by Rudi Hurzlmeie. The other was created out of a failed attempt of successfully creating the background of my forementioned project. I'm content with the outcome of both so far. The koi painting has been completed and I ended up gifting it to someone. The other is, as of this moment, still in this undone form. I hope within the next week to be done with everything but the crow... I fear painting the crow, but I will accomplish it!!!
Saturday, May 26, 2012
There's A Snake In My Boot
I've been working on a project for some time helping a young friend of mine decorate his room. I did the mural in the previous post for him, painted, and now I'm working on decorations. I'm on a slim budget so I've been finding inexpensive projects to do that will hopefully pull everything I'm doing together. Last night, Kyle and I were busy for several hours working on most of the items seen below. The only thing not done last night were the bird houses. I had alot of fun doing the signs and so did Kyle. He did the green sign and also helped paint the stars and the colors on all the signs. I'm contemplating on making a whole bunch of the signs and the chicken wire frames to sell. I also tea stained an American flag as well. It's not as dark as I'd like so I'm going to try coffee staining it next. No pic, sorry!
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| This little kitten is the newest addition to the family. His name is Targ and he is a handful! Kept knocking down my display! lol |
Wednesday, May 23, 2012
My Crafty Self
If my life were judged by my activity on here, the conclusion would easily be that I need to get out and live! Thankfully, this sad conclusion would be false. I've been quite busy on several projects, and life has been quite busy. I previously shared a 3 panel painting I simply titled, Koi. Since then, I've completed a mural, several crafty things. I impatiently waited for spring to get here while I started a few seedlings inside and improved on my craftiness. These photos aren't in chronological order, and are just a tad bit of all I've been up to these past several months.
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| One of several doodles I've done. This is one of my favorite! I love my cats! |
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| One of several murals I've completed. This is actually my first big painting I've done. Since this photo, I've added a few squirells, and an owl. |
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| Upclose of the blue bird. |
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| The this and the following photo are my first two attempts of antiquing items. the light blue birdhouse is my favorite. |
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| Recent sign I completed. This is my best lettering I've done yet. |
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| This was a really easy wreath idea I had. I should do a How-To post. |
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| Another recent item I had bought at a yardsale. This jar w/lid was $1! I hated the lid, so I decided to antique the top. It was really easy and I think it turned out really well. I think I'm starting to get better. |
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| This is the color of the top. I left the underneath unchanged. |
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| I've seen these sold for $35 or more! I made mine for well under 5 dollars. The frame was something I found at an estate sale for 25 cents. I had paints, and the staple gun already. The chicken wire was given to me but a whole roll was around 8 dollars if bought at the store. I may make a few more to sell! |
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| I live up on the 3rd floor of an apartment building so I don't have much of a yard. While waiting for spring to make it's way to the NW, I decided to bring a little greenery/feel of a yard indoors. I've made a few of these. |
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| Another first for me: starting a garden indoors from scratch. |
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| I'm a little obsessed with country/rustic/birdhouse type items. lol |
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| I made this out of yard sticks I bought at Lowes'. It's uneven, but has character. |
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| My 'yard' out front. This is just the beginning! |
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| This is the start of a mural I did for a friend. I had dedicated myself to for well over a month. The finished project is too personal to post online, but the people I did it for really enjoy it. |
Wednesday, February 29, 2012
A Real Picture of Me
Looking back I can tell that I have had OCD most of my life. From not being able to breath while passing an over weight or bald person out of fear of becoming either to having to constantly follow the power lines with my eyes while in the passenger seat as a young child, I now know these were my early symptoms of having OCD. It wasn't until I was 14 that it began to consume my life and leave me feeling an empty shell of a young man that I realized how severe things for me could/would go.
During my teen years I was very devoted to my faith which became a gateway for my obsessions to really become more than just simple quirks I felt I had. Something inside my mind made me convinced I had sinned so bad that I was unforgivable. The thought of this pained me so bad I would cry myself to sleep, daydream of becoming a preacher who warned others to stay away from my unforgivable path, dream of standing in line to the pits of Hell, and when I finally felt mentally exhausted enough, just accept it as fact. To this day I still have lingering thoughts about this which I try my best to simply ignore.
After the intensity of that battle began to slightly subside, another fearful thought came to mind. It was the fear of eating unclean foods and doubting what I was eating was clean which was a sin in it's self. This led to bulimia because I would eat food, panic about either or not I BELIEVED it was "clean" and then regurgitate it all up as good as I could and pray to God to please forgive me. This eventually led to me not eating at all and left me (a 6'4 male) a whopping 134lbs (if I remember correctly.)
As I began to slowly fixate on other thoughts, the stress about eating eased and I began to eat again. In turn, I was hospitalized because I had become very weak. During all this time I had lied, denied, and tried to hide all the signs that there was something wrong with me. I was afraid if I admitted there was a problem that I would be put in a mental institute. I was in denial that all my weird behaviors were VERY apparent and drove my mom nuts along with other loved ones.
Life was very hard for me back then. Simple tasks were very strenuous. I was constantly running behind and would often times miss the bus. I was obsessed with counting EVERYTHING a certain amount of times until it felt right to move on. Turn the water on: 1, 2, 3, 4. 1, 2, 3, 4, ... etc. take a step: "1, 2, Oh, that wasn't right... re-do." step back "1, 2" forward, "1,2, 3," etc.
I finally began to admit to my family and a psychiatrist that I really did have an issue. It was amazing how just admitting it to someone felt so good and seemed to lessen my anxiety about my condition. I've During my latter teens, my outward expressions of my obsessions lessened. I began to disbelieve in most of the random thoughts presented to me. For me, this was a bitter sweet victory. The outward expression had gone away, but greater feelings of anxiety dominated me. I'm turning 29 in about a month and I can still say I continue to have my battles with OCD.
In total, it has left me feeling like the empty shell of the person I use to be. It wrecked my teen years, my internal perceptions of myself and how others see me, I have felt less than equal... very below others, I constantly second guess my thoughts (something I became use to post-outward expression OCD, I struggle with anxiety at work, how others think of me, if my co-workers think I do the right thing on the job. The line of work I'm in requires a lot out of me internally and it tests these weaknesses in me a lot. I can't say I always on the winning side of the battle.
I say ALL of this just because I felt like I needed to get it out and tell someone how I am feeling and explain my journey from then to now...
How am I feeling? Today, I am stressed. I feel like I'm walking on egg shells. Are they egg shells I have created or are they real? I'm uncertain. I laid down to get to bed early tonight but couldn't sleep due to my high anxiety. Its now 30 min past midnight. I'm frustrated with my thinking, the seeming inability to clear my thoughts, the situations I feel like I'm facing, and just need to obtain get some strength for another good day because in reality I have many more good days anymore than bad days. I remind myself its nothing like it use to be. I am overcoming.
During my teen years I was very devoted to my faith which became a gateway for my obsessions to really become more than just simple quirks I felt I had. Something inside my mind made me convinced I had sinned so bad that I was unforgivable. The thought of this pained me so bad I would cry myself to sleep, daydream of becoming a preacher who warned others to stay away from my unforgivable path, dream of standing in line to the pits of Hell, and when I finally felt mentally exhausted enough, just accept it as fact. To this day I still have lingering thoughts about this which I try my best to simply ignore.
After the intensity of that battle began to slightly subside, another fearful thought came to mind. It was the fear of eating unclean foods and doubting what I was eating was clean which was a sin in it's self. This led to bulimia because I would eat food, panic about either or not I BELIEVED it was "clean" and then regurgitate it all up as good as I could and pray to God to please forgive me. This eventually led to me not eating at all and left me (a 6'4 male) a whopping 134lbs (if I remember correctly.)
As I began to slowly fixate on other thoughts, the stress about eating eased and I began to eat again. In turn, I was hospitalized because I had become very weak. During all this time I had lied, denied, and tried to hide all the signs that there was something wrong with me. I was afraid if I admitted there was a problem that I would be put in a mental institute. I was in denial that all my weird behaviors were VERY apparent and drove my mom nuts along with other loved ones.
Life was very hard for me back then. Simple tasks were very strenuous. I was constantly running behind and would often times miss the bus. I was obsessed with counting EVERYTHING a certain amount of times until it felt right to move on. Turn the water on: 1, 2, 3, 4. 1, 2, 3, 4, ... etc. take a step: "1, 2, Oh, that wasn't right... re-do." step back "1, 2" forward, "1,2, 3," etc.
I finally began to admit to my family and a psychiatrist that I really did have an issue. It was amazing how just admitting it to someone felt so good and seemed to lessen my anxiety about my condition. I've During my latter teens, my outward expressions of my obsessions lessened. I began to disbelieve in most of the random thoughts presented to me. For me, this was a bitter sweet victory. The outward expression had gone away, but greater feelings of anxiety dominated me. I'm turning 29 in about a month and I can still say I continue to have my battles with OCD.
In total, it has left me feeling like the empty shell of the person I use to be. It wrecked my teen years, my internal perceptions of myself and how others see me, I have felt less than equal... very below others, I constantly second guess my thoughts (something I became use to post-outward expression OCD, I struggle with anxiety at work, how others think of me, if my co-workers think I do the right thing on the job. The line of work I'm in requires a lot out of me internally and it tests these weaknesses in me a lot. I can't say I always on the winning side of the battle.
I say ALL of this just because I felt like I needed to get it out and tell someone how I am feeling and explain my journey from then to now...
How am I feeling? Today, I am stressed. I feel like I'm walking on egg shells. Are they egg shells I have created or are they real? I'm uncertain. I laid down to get to bed early tonight but couldn't sleep due to my high anxiety. Its now 30 min past midnight. I'm frustrated with my thinking, the seeming inability to clear my thoughts, the situations I feel like I'm facing, and just need to obtain get some strength for another good day because in reality I have many more good days anymore than bad days. I remind myself its nothing like it use to be. I am overcoming.
Wednesday, January 18, 2012
Koi
Tuesday, January 10, 2012
January's Inspiration So Far
I said in my last post that I had made a list of resolutions. One resolution was to read at least one book a month. Another I have in mind is similar because it is continuous on a monthly
basis and that is to paint at least one picture a month. I've marked off the one book and am planning a second. Starting out with the other goal, I can honestly say that I've done quite well in making it a successful task as well.
I was inspired by a painting I saw in a store and decided to paint my
own interpretation. I'm thinking of continuing this out into two additional panels.
I really like these type of paintings with the birds
in the branches in a postcard type
theme. I plan to make several more like this.
The mural (or whatever it should be called). My friend Jennilee did the branches and
told me to use my creativity with the rest.
I have previously painted a second bird very similar to this
in a tree on the other side of the room.
I think this mouse and toadstool are my favorite part.
Monday, January 2, 2012
Resolutions
It has been over 2 months since I have posted anything. I was going through a real tough time internally dealing with the grief this general time of the year delivers me any more. Initially I didn't recognise what was going on. I kept up appearances, tried to not let it overtake me, but internally I felt a mess. Grief, no matter if it happened today or how many years ago, is a process. It has it's ups and downs. I don't let my loss rule my life, but I won't deny the pain it can bring. I've remembered to enjoy the good times and not let saddness get the best of me though. My feet kept moving forward to finally cross the threshold of a new year and here it is the 2nd day of 2012.
Looking back this past year, I've been very content with how 2011 was over all a great year. It has been a year of building stronger relationships with family and friends, becoming more sure of the person I am/growing up, and even professionally I have grown and have learned so much. I've made many mistakes, but I have learned something ,hopefully, by most of them. 'To err is human', but thank God there is more to life than failure. I sit and wonder both timid and optimistic about what lies ahead this coming year.
The other night I stayed up to write down a few resolutions. I planned on just a few like 'be more organized' or 'take off the remaining excess weight I have.' When I had completed my list, I had a page FULL of realistic goals I hope to cross off. One of the bigger ones is making plans to go back to college in the Fall. I strongly desire to accomplish this. Over 2 years after I initially began college, I am still undecided although I have given some thought in doing something in the field I am currently in some way. Although it can be tough at times, I do enjoy it over all and it has been very fulfilling. A few more are to paint a picture and read a book at least once a month, consistently write at least once weekly and progressively bump it up to more, and take a trip somewhere like California or Canada (2 places I've never been.) Boy, there sure are alot more I could list too.
You may be wondering what my resolution is for this year on my blog. Well, I plan to not make empty promises concerning future posts, but I would like to be more consistent in posting. Perhaps I may take a new approach to sharing on here as well.
I hope everyone had a Merry Christmas and enjoyed New Years. May your new year bring many great things to come.
Looking back this past year, I've been very content with how 2011 was over all a great year. It has been a year of building stronger relationships with family and friends, becoming more sure of the person I am/growing up, and even professionally I have grown and have learned so much. I've made many mistakes, but I have learned something ,hopefully, by most of them. 'To err is human', but thank God there is more to life than failure. I sit and wonder both timid and optimistic about what lies ahead this coming year.
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| Sunrise from my apartment 1-2-12 |
You may be wondering what my resolution is for this year on my blog. Well, I plan to not make empty promises concerning future posts, but I would like to be more consistent in posting. Perhaps I may take a new approach to sharing on here as well.
I hope everyone had a Merry Christmas and enjoyed New Years. May your new year bring many great things to come.
Thursday, October 20, 2011
A Quick Note
There is more to come soon than these 2 prev. posts! I plan on blogging about several new things going on in the coming weeks. My friend Therese encouraged me to keep on writing and I said I'd be better on updating it. Well, so much for that so far but I hope to share some interesting things soon. Take care till then.
Back Home Again In Indiana: Sight Seeing
While in Indiana, I focused most of my time just being in familiar territory and enjoying quality time. I did manage to take a few photos of things like our trip to Indianapolis. I didn't want to flood my blog with all of my photos though, so I've tried to select a few. Also, I've posted a few videos but the video wouldn't work so I placed links instead on my Youtube channel.
http://youtu.be/azmRpcMd5kk
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| The Johnson Creamery smokestack along the B-Line Trail. An iconic place in Bloomington, IN. |
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| The Bloomington Courthouse: the MOST iconic place in Bloomington. |
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| A fountain at 3rd St Park. |
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| Part of a mosaic at the bottom of the fountain. |
A video taken from the 17th annual Lotus Festival in Bloomington. I spent time walking about remembering the last time I was at the park watching, listening, and smelling the entertainment, music, and exotic food.
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Up in Indianapolis, I enjoyed a day of revisiting all the places I've loved to go to most of my life. Monument Circle was a must see for me. They're doing alot of work right now, but it felt nice to was around there. |
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| Est. 1883, this building is 100yrs older than me, and 6yrs older than the state of Washington. I found a link that tells more about the building if interested. http://maxkade.iupui.edu/w |
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| Indianapolis Artsgarden. This was a nice place to relax after walking around the Circle Center Mall. |
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| Indy's Capital Building. |
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| Hard Rock of Indy. Spendy food, but it was good. I wanted to take pics inside but decided to be nice and not disturb fellow patrons. |
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| Indiana World War Memorial. http://en.wikipedia.org/wi |
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| This makes homage to the Washington Monument. It sits across from the WWI Memorial. |
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| Sadly, the memorial was closed but I was able to go inside the entryway and found this. It's a remake of the Liberty Bell. |
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| One entrance into the memorial. The writing says, "To commemorate the valor and sacrifice of the land, sea and air forces of the United States and all who rendered faithful and loyal service at home and overseas in the World War; to inculcate a true understanding and appreciation of the privileges of American citizenship; to inspire patriotism and respect for the laws to the end that peace may prevail, justice be administered, public order maintained and liberty perpetuated." |
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| From the WWI Memorial, we went down to a section of the White River State Park over by Ohio St to visit the 9-11 memorial there. This is a view of the canal from the memorial. |
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| This past Sept 11, Indianapolis dedicated the new memorial that included a beam from each tower. Below are plaques which explain what they are for all too well themselves. |
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| The bronze eagle on top of one of the beams looks towards NYC. |
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| The canal is home to several museums and memorials. This one dedicated to IN's Medal of Honor recipients. |
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| Across the way are some sculptures. |
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| The Indiana State Museum with Marcy in the foreground. |
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| *sigh* Just a bit of Indianapolis' skyline close up. |
When I was young we spent many holidays with my step-father's family who lived in Indy. I always knew we were getting close when I saw the old Bank One Tower (Currently known as Chase Tower.)
Lastly, I wanted to share a sound I've not heard in 2 years that sounds like home. It's the sounds of cicadas and other insects making all their clamour. It may sound like static on the video, but in person it can get pretty loud. At least in my part of the NW, it's pretty quiet in comparison.
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