Lately I've been dealing with a lot of anxiety/OCD issues. It's hard for me to call it OCD b/c I don't allow myself to act out, but simply resisting urges causes a lot of stress for me. Sometimes I feel like I can't focus or retain basic things said to me for long periods, or after a long day at work I simply want to zone out, collect my thoughts, rethink my day.. my mistakes, what someone said, how it made me feel, what I wish I said, over and over. I tend to latch on to one thing and it becomes the thought or feeling of the day even if I keep it inside.
I try my hardest to fight what makes me feel slightly nuts, yet there are times it is so hard to not give in, yet there is no giving in. I at one point fully believed in my OCD urges, yet as I've gotten older I've realized I should resist doing them. It's been some time now since I consistently acted out urges like flipping switches, counting steps, rewriting things over and over until I feel like it's ok to stop, etc. They were so bad that most of my day was ruled by acting out whatever my mind told me was of utmost importance. I was so scared to talk about it at all for fear of going ot the nut house, yet thankfully I quit lying and admitted to my family who saw how strange I was acting that I needed help. Some Drs helped, others made me never want to seek help again.. I still tend to lean towards the latter. I still feel the urges though the command of what is vague. It feels like anxiety but not exactly.
I needed to get this out.. at least that I've been struggling. I know no one reads my blog anymore, but I wanted to record this in this moment. I've allowed OCD to do a lot to me in regards to thoughts on my self worth. I think my poor outlook on my value is what really hurts me anymore. It's hard to let go of that past. It's hard to hold onto a positive outlook on myself when I think of the crazy things I've done or believed simply because my mind told me so. How can I trust myself again? How can I believe my intuition again? That gut feeling is what I felt every time I acted out. What do we have if we don't know if that still small voice is truth or crazy mental mind?
I try to be a light to others. I try to always have a smile on my face, be the positive for someone else, inspire hope, the happy ending, that things will always work out... I believe and see the potential in so many people yet when I look at myself I simply see how flawed I am and all of the many mistakes I've made. Some people trip and make a graceful comeback. Some people are so full of confidence you want to give them a good smack in the face and tell them to snap out of it. I hope to exude from the inside that effortless grace, that belief that I am capable. Today it may not be very strong, yet I've overcome so much already. It's just this journey now which has me feeling weak.