A Few Paintings I've Done In July

This past week I've worked on two projects. One is a recreation of a painting entitled, "Krahe" by Rudi Hurzlmeie. The other was created out of a failed attempt of successfully creating the background of my forementioned project. I'm content with the outcome of both so far. The koi painting has been completed and I ended up gifting it to someone. The other is, as of this moment, still in this undone form.  I hope within the next week to be done with everything but the crow... I fear painting the crow, but I will accomplish it!!!

There's A Snake In My Boot

I've been working on a project for some time helping a young friend of mine decorate his room. I did the mural in the previous post for him, painted, and now I'm working on decorations. I'm on a slim budget so I've been finding inexpensive projects to do that will hopefully pull everything I'm doing together. Last night, Kyle and I were busy for several hours working on most of the items seen below. The only thing not done last night were the bird houses.  I had alot of fun doing the signs and so did Kyle. He did the green sign and also helped paint the stars and the colors on all the signs. I'm contemplating on making a whole bunch of the signs and the chicken wire frames to sell.  I also tea stained an American flag as well. It's not as dark as I'd like so I'm going to try coffee staining it next.  No pic, sorry!

This little kitten is the newest addition to the family.
His name is Targ and he is a handful! Kept knocking down my display! lol

My Crafty Self

If my life were judged by my activity on here, the conclusion would easily be that I need to get out and live! Thankfully, this sad conclusion would be false. I've been quite busy on several projects, and life has been quite busy. I previously shared a 3 panel painting I simply titled, Koi. Since then, I've completed a mural, several crafty things. I impatiently waited for spring to get here while I started a few seedlings inside and improved on my craftiness. These photos aren't in chronological order, and are just a tad bit of all I've been up to these past several months.

One of several doodles I've done. This is one of my favorite! I love my cats!

One of several murals I've completed. This is actually my first big painting I've done. Since this photo, I've added a few squirells, and an owl.

Upclose of the blue bird.

The this and the following photo are my first two
attempts of antiquing items. the light blue
birdhouse is my favorite.

Recent sign I completed. This is my best lettering I've done yet.

This was a really easy wreath idea I had. I should do a How-To post.

Another recent item I had bought at a yardsale.
This jar w/lid was $1! I hated the lid, so I decided
to antique the top. It was really easy and I think it
turned out really well. I think I'm starting to get better.

This is the color of the top. I left the underneath unchanged.

I've seen these sold for $35 or more! I made mine for well under 5 dollars.
The frame was something I found at an estate sale for 25 cents. I had
paints, and the staple gun already. The chicken wire was given to me
but a whole roll was around 8 dollars if bought at the store.
 I may make a few more to sell!

I live up on the 3rd floor of an apartment building so
I don't have much of a yard. While waiting for spring
to make it's way to the NW, I decided to bring a little
greenery/feel of a yard indoors. I've made a few of
these.

Another first for me: starting a garden indoors from scratch. 

I'm a little obsessed with country/rustic/birdhouse type items. lol

I made this out of yard sticks I bought at Lowes'.
It's uneven, but has character.

My 'yard' out front.  This is just the beginning!

This is the start of a mural I did for a friend. I had dedicated myself to
for well over a month. The finished project is too personal to post online,
but the people I did it for really enjoy it.  

A Real Picture of Me

Looking back I can tell that I have had OCD most of my life. From not being able to breath while passing an over weight or bald person out of fear of becoming either to having to constantly follow the power lines with my eyes while in the passenger seat as a young child, I now know these were my early symptoms of having OCD. It wasn't until I was 14 that it began to consume my life and leave me feeling an empty shell of a young man that I realized how severe things for me could/would go.

During my teen years I was very devoted to my faith which became a gateway for my obsessions to really become more than just simple quirks I felt I had. Something inside my mind made me convinced I had sinned so bad that I was unforgivable. The thought of this pained me so bad I would cry myself to sleep, daydream of becoming a preacher who warned others to stay away from my unforgivable path, dream of standing in line to the pits of Hell, and when I finally felt mentally exhausted enough, just accept it as fact. To this day I still have lingering thoughts about this which I try my best to simply ignore.

After the intensity of that battle began to slightly subside, another fearful thought came to mind. It was the fear of eating unclean foods and doubting what I was eating was clean which was a sin in it's self. This led to bulimia because I would eat food, panic about either or not I BELIEVED it was "clean" and then regurgitate it all up as good as I could and pray to God to please forgive me. This eventually led to me not eating at all and left me (a 6'4 male) a whopping 134lbs (if I remember correctly.)

As I began to slowly fixate on other thoughts, the stress about eating eased and I began to eat again. In turn, I was hospitalized because I had become very weak. During all this time I had lied, denied, and tried to hide all the signs that there was something wrong with me. I was afraid if I admitted there was a problem that I would be put in a mental institute. I was in denial that all my weird behaviors were VERY apparent and drove my mom nuts along with other loved ones.

Life was very hard for me back then. Simple tasks were very strenuous. I was constantly running behind and would often times miss the bus. I was obsessed with counting EVERYTHING a certain amount of times until it felt right to move on. Turn the water on: 1, 2, 3, 4. 1, 2, 3, 4, ... etc. take a step: "1, 2, Oh, that wasn't right... re-do." step back "1, 2" forward, "1,2, 3," etc.

I finally began to admit to my family and a psychiatrist that I really did have an issue. It was amazing how just admitting it to someone felt so good and seemed to lessen my anxiety about my condition. I've During my latter teens, my outward expressions of my obsessions lessened. I began to disbelieve in most of the random thoughts presented to me. For me, this was a bitter sweet victory. The outward expression had gone away, but greater feelings of anxiety dominated me. I'm turning 29 in about a month and I can still say I continue to have my battles with OCD.

In total, it has left me feeling like the empty shell of the person I use to be. It wrecked my teen years, my internal perceptions of myself and how others see me, I have felt less than equal... very below others, I constantly second guess my thoughts (something I became use to post-outward expression OCD, I struggle with anxiety at work, how others think of me, if my co-workers think I do the right thing on the job. The line of work I'm in requires a lot out of me internally and it tests these weaknesses in me a lot. I can't say I always on the winning side of the battle.

I say ALL of this just because I felt like I needed to get it out and tell someone how I am feeling and explain my journey from then to now...

How am I feeling? Today, I am stressed. I feel like I'm walking on egg shells. Are they egg shells I have created or are they real? I'm uncertain. I laid down to get to bed early tonight but couldn't sleep due to my high anxiety. Its now 30 min past midnight. I'm frustrated with my thinking, the seeming inability to clear my thoughts, the situations I feel like I'm facing, and just need to obtain get some strength for another good day because in reality I have many more good days anymore than bad days. I remind myself its nothing like it use to be. I am overcoming.

Koi

I spent my evening painting, painting, and... painting. I wanted to finish a piece I started earlier this month by making two additional pannels. I had posted the middle pannel in an earlier entry.  I really enjoyed this project and can see myself doing similar pieces in the near future.



January's Inspiration So Far

I said in my last post that I had made a list of resolutions.  One resolution was to read at least one book a month.  Another I have in mind is similar because it is continuous on a monthly

basis and that is to paint at least one picture a month.  I've marked off the one book and am planning a second. Starting out with the other goal, I can honestly say that I've done quite well in making it a successful task as well.

I was inspired by a painting I saw in a store and decided to paint my

own interpretation. I'm thinking of continuing this out into two additional panels.

I really like these type of paintings with the birds

in the branches in a postcard type

theme. I plan to make several more like this.

The mural (or whatever it should be called). My friend Jennilee did the branches and

told me to use my creativity with the rest.

I have previously painted a second bird very similar to this

in a tree on the other side of the room.

I think this mouse and toadstool are my favorite part.

Resolutions

It has been over 2 months since I have posted anything. I was going through a real tough time internally dealing with the grief this general time of the year delivers me any more. Initially I didn't recognise what was going on. I kept up appearances, tried to not let it overtake me, but internally I felt a mess.  Grief, no matter if it happened today or how many years ago, is a process. It has it's ups and downs. I don't let my loss rule my life, but I won't deny the pain it can bring.  I've remembered to enjoy the good times and not let saddness get the best of me though.  My feet kept moving forward to finally cross the threshold of a new year and here it is the 2nd day of 2012.

Looking back this past year, I've been very content with how 2011 was over all a great year.  It has been a year of building stronger relationships with family and friends, becoming more sure of the person I am/growing up, and even professionally I have grown and have learned so much. I've made many mistakes, but I have learned something ,hopefully, by most of them. 'To err is human', but thank God there is more to life than failure.  I sit and wonder both timid and optimistic about what lies ahead this coming year. 


Sunrise from my apartment 1-2-12

The other night I stayed up to write down a few resolutions. I planned on just a few like 'be more organized' or 'take off the remaining excess weight I have.'  When I had completed my list, I had a page FULL of realistic goals I hope to cross off.  One of the bigger ones is making plans to go back to college in the Fall. I strongly desire to accomplish this.  Over 2 years after I initially began college, I am still undecided although I have given some thought in doing something in the field I am currently in some way.  Although it can be tough at times, I do enjoy it over all and it has been very fulfilling. A few more are to paint a picture and read a book at least once a month, consistently write at least once weekly and progressively bump it up to more, and take a trip somewhere like California or Canada (2 places I've never been.) Boy, there sure are alot more I could list too.

You may be wondering what my resolution is for this year on my blog. Well,  I plan to not make empty promises concerning future posts, but I would like to be more consistent in posting.  Perhaps I may take a new approach to sharing on here as well.

I hope everyone had a Merry Christmas and enjoyed New Years.  May your new year bring many great things to come.