A Real Picture of Me

Looking back I can tell that I have had OCD most of my life. From not being able to breath while passing an over weight or bald person out of fear of becoming either to having to constantly follow the power lines with my eyes while in the passenger seat as a young child, I now know these were my early symptoms of having OCD. It wasn't until I was 14 that it began to consume my life and leave me feeling an empty shell of a young man that I realized how severe things for me could/would go.

During my teen years I was very devoted to my faith which became a gateway for my obsessions to really become more than just simple quirks I felt I had. Something inside my mind made me convinced I had sinned so bad that I was unforgivable. The thought of this pained me so bad I would cry myself to sleep, daydream of becoming a preacher who warned others to stay away from my unforgivable path, dream of standing in line to the pits of Hell, and when I finally felt mentally exhausted enough, just accept it as fact. To this day I still have lingering thoughts about this which I try my best to simply ignore.

After the intensity of that battle began to slightly subside, another fearful thought came to mind. It was the fear of eating unclean foods and doubting what I was eating was clean which was a sin in it's self. This led to bulimia because I would eat food, panic about either or not I BELIEVED it was "clean" and then regurgitate it all up as good as I could and pray to God to please forgive me. This eventually led to me not eating at all and left me (a 6'4 male) a whopping 134lbs (if I remember correctly.)

As I began to slowly fixate on other thoughts, the stress about eating eased and I began to eat again. In turn, I was hospitalized because I had become very weak. During all this time I had lied, denied, and tried to hide all the signs that there was something wrong with me. I was afraid if I admitted there was a problem that I would be put in a mental institute. I was in denial that all my weird behaviors were VERY apparent and drove my mom nuts along with other loved ones.

Life was very hard for me back then. Simple tasks were very strenuous. I was constantly running behind and would often times miss the bus. I was obsessed with counting EVERYTHING a certain amount of times until it felt right to move on. Turn the water on: 1, 2, 3, 4. 1, 2, 3, 4, ... etc. take a step: "1, 2, Oh, that wasn't right... re-do." step back "1, 2" forward, "1,2, 3," etc.

I finally began to admit to my family and a psychiatrist that I really did have an issue. It was amazing how just admitting it to someone felt so good and seemed to lessen my anxiety about my condition. I've During my latter teens, my outward expressions of my obsessions lessened. I began to disbelieve in most of the random thoughts presented to me. For me, this was a bitter sweet victory. The outward expression had gone away, but greater feelings of anxiety dominated me. I'm turning 29 in about a month and I can still say I continue to have my battles with OCD.

In total, it has left me feeling like the empty shell of the person I use to be. It wrecked my teen years, my internal perceptions of myself and how others see me, I have felt less than equal... very below others, I constantly second guess my thoughts (something I became use to post-outward expression OCD, I struggle with anxiety at work, how others think of me, if my co-workers think I do the right thing on the job. The line of work I'm in requires a lot out of me internally and it tests these weaknesses in me a lot. I can't say I always on the winning side of the battle.

I say ALL of this just because I felt like I needed to get it out and tell someone how I am feeling and explain my journey from then to now...

How am I feeling? Today, I am stressed. I feel like I'm walking on egg shells. Are they egg shells I have created or are they real? I'm uncertain. I laid down to get to bed early tonight but couldn't sleep due to my high anxiety. Its now 30 min past midnight. I'm frustrated with my thinking, the seeming inability to clear my thoughts, the situations I feel like I'm facing, and just need to obtain get some strength for another good day because in reality I have many more good days anymore than bad days. I remind myself its nothing like it use to be. I am overcoming.

Koi

I spent my evening painting, painting, and... painting. I wanted to finish a piece I started earlier this month by making two additional pannels. I had posted the middle pannel in an earlier entry.  I really enjoyed this project and can see myself doing similar pieces in the near future.



January's Inspiration So Far

I said in my last post that I had made a list of resolutions.  One resolution was to read at least one book a month.  Another I have in mind is similar because it is continuous on a monthly

basis and that is to paint at least one picture a month.  I've marked off the one book and am planning a second. Starting out with the other goal, I can honestly say that I've done quite well in making it a successful task as well.

I was inspired by a painting I saw in a store and decided to paint my

own interpretation. I'm thinking of continuing this out into two additional panels.

I really like these type of paintings with the birds

in the branches in a postcard type

theme. I plan to make several more like this.

The mural (or whatever it should be called). My friend Jennilee did the branches and

told me to use my creativity with the rest.

I have previously painted a second bird very similar to this

in a tree on the other side of the room.

I think this mouse and toadstool are my favorite part.

Resolutions

It has been over 2 months since I have posted anything. I was going through a real tough time internally dealing with the grief this general time of the year delivers me any more. Initially I didn't recognise what was going on. I kept up appearances, tried to not let it overtake me, but internally I felt a mess.  Grief, no matter if it happened today or how many years ago, is a process. It has it's ups and downs. I don't let my loss rule my life, but I won't deny the pain it can bring.  I've remembered to enjoy the good times and not let saddness get the best of me though.  My feet kept moving forward to finally cross the threshold of a new year and here it is the 2nd day of 2012.

Looking back this past year, I've been very content with how 2011 was over all a great year.  It has been a year of building stronger relationships with family and friends, becoming more sure of the person I am/growing up, and even professionally I have grown and have learned so much. I've made many mistakes, but I have learned something ,hopefully, by most of them. 'To err is human', but thank God there is more to life than failure.  I sit and wonder both timid and optimistic about what lies ahead this coming year. 


Sunrise from my apartment 1-2-12

The other night I stayed up to write down a few resolutions. I planned on just a few like 'be more organized' or 'take off the remaining excess weight I have.'  When I had completed my list, I had a page FULL of realistic goals I hope to cross off.  One of the bigger ones is making plans to go back to college in the Fall. I strongly desire to accomplish this.  Over 2 years after I initially began college, I am still undecided although I have given some thought in doing something in the field I am currently in some way.  Although it can be tough at times, I do enjoy it over all and it has been very fulfilling. A few more are to paint a picture and read a book at least once a month, consistently write at least once weekly and progressively bump it up to more, and take a trip somewhere like California or Canada (2 places I've never been.) Boy, there sure are alot more I could list too.

You may be wondering what my resolution is for this year on my blog. Well,  I plan to not make empty promises concerning future posts, but I would like to be more consistent in posting.  Perhaps I may take a new approach to sharing on here as well.

I hope everyone had a Merry Christmas and enjoyed New Years.  May your new year bring many great things to come.

A Quick Note

There is more to come soon than these 2 prev. posts! I plan on blogging about several new things going on in the coming weeks. My friend Therese encouraged me to keep on writing and I said I'd be better on updating it. Well, so much for that so far but I hope to share some interesting things soon. Take care till then.

Back Home Again In Indiana: Sight Seeing

While in Indiana, I focused most of my time just being in familiar territory and enjoying quality time. I did manage to take a few photos of things like our trip to Indianapolis. I didn't want to flood my blog with all of my photos though, so I've tried to select a few. Also, I've posted a few videos but the video wouldn't work so I placed links instead on my Youtube channel.

The Johnson Creamery smokestack along the B-Line Trail. An iconic place in Bloomington, IN.

The Bloomington Courthouse: the MOST iconic place in Bloomington.

A fountain at 3rd St Park.

Part of a mosaic at the bottom of the fountain.

http://youtu.be/P0p5MXhM_Yc

A video taken from the 17th annual Lotus Festival in Bloomington. I spent time walking about remembering the last time I was at the park watching, listening, and smelling the entertainment, music, and exotic food.

Up in Indianapolis, I enjoyed a day of revisiting all the places I've loved to go to most of my life. Monument Circle was a must see for me. They're doing alot of work right now, but it felt nice to was around there.

One of many statues around the Circle. This one is of Gov. Whitcomb. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/James_Whitcomb

Est. 1883, this building is 100yrs older than me, and 6yrs older than the state of Washington. I found a link that tells more about the building if interested. http://maxkade.iupui.edu/wholesale.html

Indianapolis Artsgarden. This was a nice place to relax after walking around the Circle Center Mall.

Indy's Capital Building.

Hard Rock of Indy. Spendy food, but it was good. I wanted to take pics inside but decided to be nice and not disturb fellow patrons.

Indiana World War Memorial.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Indiana_War_Memorial

This makes homage to the Washington Monument. It sits across from the WWI Memorial.

Sadly, the memorial was closed but I was able to go inside the entryway and found this. It's a remake of the Liberty Bell.

One entrance into the memorial. The writing says, "To commemorate the valor and sacrifice of the land, sea and air forces of the United States and all who rendered faithful and loyal service at home and overseas in the World War; to inculcate a true understanding and appreciation of the privileges of American citizenship; to inspire patriotism and respect for the laws to the end that peace may prevail, justice be administered, public order maintained and liberty perpetuated."

From the WWI Memorial, we went down to a section of the White River State Park over by Ohio St to visit the 9-11 memorial there. This is a view of the canal from the memorial.

This past Sept 11, Indianapolis dedicated the new memorial that included a beam from each tower. Below are plaques which explain what they are for all too well themselves.

The bronze eagle on top of one of the beams looks towards NYC.

The canal is home to several museums and memorials. This one dedicated to IN's Medal of Honor recipients.

Across the way are some sculptures.

The Indiana State Museum with Marcy in the foreground.

*sigh* Just a bit of Indianapolis' skyline close up.

When I was young we spent many holidays with my step-father's family who lived in Indy. I always knew we were getting close when I saw the old Bank One Tower (Currently known as Chase Tower.)

http://youtu.be/azmRpcMd5kk

Lastly, I wanted to share a sound I've not heard in 2 years that sounds like home. It's the sounds of cicadas and other insects making all their clamour. It may sound like static on the video, but in person it can get pretty loud. At least in my part of the NW, it's pretty quiet in comparison.

Back Home Again In Indiana: The Family Album

This past September I made a much needed trip out to Indiana to visit family and friends. To say that it was much needed does not even describe in full how necessarry it was for me to visit home. The last time I was out there was after my mom had passed back in Nov '09. I spent a little over 3 weeks leaving in mid December. Back then, I never would have thought it would have taken me so lng to get over in that region again. Inside I can tell that staying away for too long has hindered my healing in some ways because I'm not just grieving the loss of mom, but feeling the emptiness of not having my surviving relatives around also. Thankfully I have seen them and have had some very special moments along with reconnecting with some very good friends as well. It's been one of the best weeks of 2011 for me. Here are just a few of the photos of family taken during this time.

Jesse, Me, Marcy. These are 2 of the loves of my life.

Marcy with a flannel hat I wore off the plane as a joke since the NW is known for their lumber jacks. The hat was accompanied by a matching shirt.  

This is Kiwi, an Indian Ringneck that's been in the family for years.

Kiwi's longtime mate Lily

Sweetpea, another longtime family pet. His hatchday is the 21st of Oct. I can't believe he'll be 11yrs old.

This beautiful bird is Cocoa.

 Cindy.

Uhhh.. Hatchet Girl... Please don't ask unless you ask Jesse.

My nephew named his cat Cristal after a character from The Boondocks which was a refference to the champagne. Don't ask me why. I gues he thought it was funny. lol By the time I left, this cat loved me to death and was my little shadow. They say she still waits by the door looking for me to come through it.